Back last year i think it was Feb i applied to be on Gordon Ramsays show, i sent in my signature dish which is Malibu Cream Chicken and if i was succesful i would have to cook off against him well i was successful and had to go to bristol on the 5th may to film it but as we all know my bar was open then so i missed out on a chance to cook with one of my heros, good old f*@!ing Gordon b*@!*cks Ramsay. Since then i've been afraid to go back in the kitchen, my hands shook, my confidence with raw ingredients shattered, looking at kitchen utensils used to make me breakdown and cry, so this weekend on sunday i had to battle my demons and get back in kitchen and cook one of the hardest things ever, A JAM SPONGE!
My god what if i didn't make enough sponge mix, is the oven at the right temperature and the worst of all failures which would lead me to cut up my Deliah Smith cook books THE SPONGE DOESN'T RISE AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!
I needed some back up so i called for the assistance of the only person that cooks better than anyone else you know of in the whole world, your mum. (Not your mum, my mum, well you know what i mean)
So we started with the hardest task first a jam sponge, take no prisoners, he who dares wins, you got to be in it to win it, to death or glory and all the other make yourself feel good motto's. Also this was the first time i had made a sponge cake so using this strange machine called "weighing scales" was like the caveman when he first saw fire, UGGH, WHAT DAT, IT MOVE, EVIL EVIL!
My method is more subtle, grab a handful of each ingredient, mash it together, make enough for a army base, use a 16th of mixture, bin the rest. Like all great Chefs my mum kept me in check, a quick smack over the head with a spatular and i was back on track. After the sponge survived my confidence flooded back and went on to make a corned beef hash pie and worcester sauce chicken stir fry, So here are the results:-
THE SPONGES HAVE LANDED
THE FINISHED PRODUCT (and it was at first attempt)
THE NEXT MASTERPIECE
MY HOMEMADE CORNED BEEF HASH PIE
MY FAMOUS WORCESTER SAUCE CHICKEN STIR FRY
So if anyone is looking for a traveling chef my rates are very good, better than these so called "CELEB CHEFS".
Heston "arty farty" Blumenthal - The only reason people pay £250 per head at his place is so they can boast "i've ate at The Fat Duck". Its not like you eat snail porridge every day but he cooks it better so thats why you go there, at £250 per head for 5 forks full of food his place should be called "The Anorexic Mallard" you wouldn't leave there full and it would be a month before you could buy any more food.
Jamie "i'm a plastic cockney geezer" Oliver with his new programme "Jamie saves our bacon" where he is going to save british bacon by showing us a piglet being born in the studio then a fully grown pig being used for bacon, WHAT? My favourite Winnie the Pooh Characters were Eeyore and Piglet, Piglet that shy stuttering lovable pink ball of fluff, also who could forget Babe the sheep pig, aawwwww how cute and Jamie is going to show us a piglet being born then hacked up for some streaky bacon. How the hell is that going to help we'll be going AWWWW BLESS and giving up bacon, PUKKA, idiot LOL